accent n. The way a person pronounces words, wonderfully charming in a pretty young lady from Virginia but decidedly lacking that same charm in an old biddy from Liverpool.

accident n. An unexpected occurrence, often involving real or imagined damage to persons or property; hence, an excuse for instituting litigation against anyone unlucky enough to cross the mind of one's lawyer.

adoption n. In principle, a laudable means for creating families from their component parts. In practice, a scheme resembling the slave markets of ancient Rome, where great sums were wrangled over for such specialty items as a matched pair of Nubians to serve as litter-bearers, and equally lucrative for the lawyers who have infiltrated the process in place of the hard-headed businessmen of that former time.

adult n. A child who has attained the age of majority, which age has been decided upon by other adults.

Administration n. The band of thugs and hoodlums currently ensconced in the executive branch of government.

advertising n. The process of gulling an innocent victim into parting with his hard-earned cash in return for the questionable benefit of possessing the advertiser's snake oil.

age n. The accretion of years resulting from the ineluctable passage of time, which is in art much admired but in people abhorred.

airplane n. A cigar-shaped counterfeit bird with an alarming propensity for falling out of the sky at inconvenient times and in equally inconvenient places.

anarchist n. Formerly, the furtive little black-clad man with the bomb in political cartoons. Presently, anyone who advocates a modification of or reduction from the current level of governmental meddling; hence, a candidate for the current political leader's "enemies" list.

antique adj. A term applied to second-hand merchandise of no particular utility for the purpose of escalating its price. See also memorabilia.

astrology n. A lucrative verbal shell game practiced by newspaper columnists and flea-market gypsies. Composed largely of arcane misdirection designed to gull the customer into believing that his unique future can be found under the same shell as those of the other one-twelfth of the human race who happen to have been born at approximately the same time of year.

athletic shoe n. Formerly, an inexpensive canvas and rubber shoe. Presently, an astronomically-priced miracle of modern materials engineering in which the said substances are replaced with air, some of it incorporated into the shoes and the remainder applied hot, the latter's purpose being to explain away the presence of the former.

automobile n. A costly mobile pile of rusting metal operated by an occasional jerk at the controls.

average n. A mythical number used by salespeople, which every customer is simultaneously below and above, depending on whether the discussion is centered on keeping up with the Joneses or the customer's creditworthiness in said pursuit.