calorie n. A quantum of energy, contained in great numbers by all foodstuffs except the snack whose consumption one is contemplating to sustain oneself until dinner.

campaign, political n. An opportunity for persons expert in the arts of doubletalk and slander to market their wares under the guise of highly-flown rhetoric.

camping n. Formerly, a pastime involving tents, open fires, blanket rolls, and other appurtenances of the outdoor life. Presently, a pastime involving a motorized vehicle providing all the comforts of home but small enough so that nothing is quite as comfortable as it would be at home.

cat n. A creature of the feline species, usually eminently successful at cozening people into petting it while it deposits hair all over their clothing.

character n. Those too-seldom sterling qualities which make a person what he is. Usually established before the age at which social responsibility is recognized; hence, an excuse for niggardliness and egocentricity.

charity n. A commodity whose appearance on tax forms far exceeds its appearance in actual fact.

child n. An immature human, too seldom round-faced or apple-cheeked, who requires an expenditure of entirely too much attention from any adult in the vicinity, the evasion of which demand usually calls for an equal or greater expenditure of money.

Christmas n. A wintertime pagan festival dedicated to the worship of the almighty dollar, which masquerades as a celebration of the birth of the Christ-child, who, as everyone ought to know, was born in the springtime along with all the other lambs.

church n. The common meeting place of the Ladies' Aid Society, the Men's Club, the Choir, the Deacons' Association, the Fellowship Club, etc., etc., ad infinitum, ad nauseam, i.e., the Tower of Babble.

coffee n. A bitter-tasting addictive substance extracted from beans and served principally as a hot beverage, whose bewildering array of bean varieties, disgusting artificial flavoring agents, and often astronomically-priced preparation methods afford its users ample opportunity for ritual and snobbery.

coffin n. An obscenely expensive box, decked out in a manner befitting the most luxurious of automobiles and intended to contain an equally tarted-up tenant who neither needs nor cares for such luxury, while said tenant returns to the dust whence he came. See also funeral director.

collectible n. Formerly, an object or class of objects, often quite ordinary, that was no longer manufactured, existed in somewhat limited quantities, and was found to be interesting or diverting enough to merit seeking out. Presently, an object or class of objects having little or no intrinsic worth, deliberately manufactured and extensively marketed as "collectible." See also memorabilia.

college n. An institution of higher learning, whose students learn (variously) how to indulge in higher consumption of alcohol or how to demand higher salaries for jumping higher with a basketball.

commuter n. An individual who lives, for example, in Connecticut and travails daily to a job, for example, in New York. Some, upon realizing the folly of this arrangement, will take up residence in New York; statistics indicate that such a move is almost invariably followed by a transfer to a job in New Jersey or, more usually, Connecticut.

complaint n. Noise generated by an individual who prefers carping to the exertion required of direct action.

computer n. A popular scapegoat for human error.

conservative n. An individual who wishes things were the way they were. A politician who advocates such foolishness.

consultant n. An individual who makes a lucrative business of absorbing information given him by a customer, disappearing "to analyze the data," and then demanding large sums of money to give the same information back, having in the interim phrased it in prettier language.

corn flakes n. Edible cardboard manufactured from the remains of corn after all nutritive elements have been extracted; the finer grades are concocted so as to dissolve instantly into mush when brought into contact with milk. Widely marketed in packages bearing pictures of toothless children and sundry other undesirables.

criminal n. An unpopular former politician. Contrast with statesman.

critic n. A scoundrel who makes it his profession to carp loudly about whatever artistic or dramatic efforts displease him in an attempt to convince the people who enjoyed the performance that they are possessed of dreadful taste.

cynic n. An individual who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. The more cynical amongst the readers of this work will doubt the originality of this definition.