fact n. Information which is ephemerally correct, at least according to the individuals with whose opinion it coincides.
| Don't tell me of facts, I never believe facts; you know Canning said nothing was so fallacious as facts, except figures. | |
| --Sydney Smith, Lady Holland's Memoir | |
flag n. A heraldic device worked on inexpensive fabric for the purpose of being carried aloft so as to provide a target for enemy gunfire. Seen variously as a holy symbol or a pair of trousers.
| Nothing but flags! but simple flags, Tattered and torn and hanging in rags; And we walk beneath them with careless tread, Nor think of the hosts of the mighty dead Who have marched beneath them in times gone by. |
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| --Moses Owen, "The Returned Maine Battle Flags" | |
football n. In most of the world, a game in which the usual means of moving the ball is with the feet. In the United States, where the aforementioned game is called soccer, football is a game in which moving the ball with the feet is all but forbidden.
fountain pen n. A writing instrument which operates by delivering liquid ink to paper in such a manner as to imbue the writing with life and character; now fallen out of favor due to a general decline in the practice of writing (q.v.). Presently, a collectible whose acquisition serves the treble purposes of sweating the brow, staining the fingers, and shrinking the purse.
fragile adj. Formerly, an adjective meaning delicate or prone to breakage. Presently, an instruction to post office workers, meaning "throw underhand."
friend n. Occasionally, a vessel of philanthropy. More usually, an individual who will be nice to you in tit-for-tat exchange for your being nice to him.
| Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly. | |
| --William Shakespeare, As You Like It | |
funeral director n. Euphemism for undertaker. A parasite who preys on people's morbid fascination with preserving the hunk of meat that used to be Aunt Nellie.
| Spare me the whispering, crowded room, The friends who come and gape and go, The ceremonious air of gloom-- All, which makes death a hideous show. |
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| --Matthew Arnold, "A Wish" | |