illegal adj. Formerly, an adjective describing activities that were unlawful. Presently, a word substituted for "clever" if the perpetrator of such activities is unfortunate enough to be caught.

illegal alien n. A foreigner holding a menial job, about whom unemployed natives complain that he is taking bread from their mouths, although they would in fact consider his job beneath their dignity were it offered to them.

infant n. A specimen of the smallest-sized human variety, whose behavior generally alternates between puling and puking.

instinct n. That mental quality which enables the lower animals to act without thinking. Man generally does the same, but without benefit of instinct.

insurance n. A lucrative gambling scheme whose practitioners make book on whether the mark will survive long enough that they can extract from him sufficient of his wealth to cover the face value of his policy.

intelligence n. That mental quality which serves to raise Man above the lower animals, enabling him to behave in a rational manner. The criteria for measuring intelligence are determined by those who claim to possess it.