pardon n. A right reserved to chief executives, which allows them to give to their underlings afterhanded permission for the commission of crimes of which they would have denied knowledge had the loyal opposition been a little less diligent in its muckraking.

pencil n. Formerly, a disposable writing instrument, usually constructed inexpensively of wood and having a core of graphite compressed with clay. Presently, a far less reliable mechanical device occasionally made of these same materials, but of fancier grade and with a price tag sufficient to render disposal unthinkable.

-person n. A suffix sometimes substituted for '-man' in words such as 'chairman' and 'draftsman' as a sop to certain weak-minded feminists who, having little or no self-assurance, require continual reminders that they are not members of the race of Man. Also used as a prefix, often with results disastrous to communication: e.g., personhood for manhood.

philanthropist n. A wealthy individual who gives money either to the arts and sciences, to buy favor in this world; or to charity, for the purpose of making his purchases in the next.

philosopher n. An individual who spends his time pondering deeply all sides of any subject, considering the merits and implications of all the physical and metaphysical aspects of it, unlike the common sort of men, who will long since have dismissed it from their minds and gone to have dinner.

poetry n. Versified blather.

politically correct adj. Sufficiently circumlocutory to be inoffensive.

politician n. A moral prostitute whose business consists primarily of purchasing sufficient popularity to get himself re-elected, and whose cash is usually kept in pork barrels.

possession n. Ownership of an object, or the object owned. In neither usage is it generally recognized that possession is a reflexive condition.

post office n. A gambling establishment set up by the government. The rules are simple: the patron pays a fee and then gives the house one or more letters, after which he is allowed to guess when, if ever, said letters will arrive at their destinations.

prison n. A bed-and-board facility established by the government, wherein malefactors unable to afford clever lawyers languish at the public expense while, anticipating their enlargement, they sharpen those skills for the practice of which they have been detained.

professional n. Formerly, a term of scorn applied to an individual whose character was sordid enough to require remuneration for the exercise of his skills. Presently, a term of admiration for this same individual.