school n. A house of learning, where formerly youth learned respect for discipline together with other skills necessary to prosper in society; but where presently they learn little beyond the way to the unemployment line.
| There is now less flogging in our great schools than formerly, but then less is learned there, so that what the boys get at one end they lose at the other. | |
| --Samuel Johnson, quoted by James Boswell, Boswell's Life of Johnson | |
Scientology, Church of n. A get-rich scheme devised by the late science fiction author L. Ron Hubbard, who subsequently became obscenely wealthy, and who may or may not actually be late, or present, or anything else of value.
| If you want to get rich, start a religion. | |
| --John Campbell, to L. Ron Hubbard, 1940s | |
secret adj. A label applied to any information whose possessor desires that it be disseminated as widely as possible; in diplomatic or political circles, usually applied gleefully to any information whose dissemination would embarrass its originator.
service contract n. A hole in the buyer's pocket through which leak sums of money that could better be spent on a how-to-do book.
skeptic n. An individual who sneers at everything and everyone on general principle. Not to be confused with a curmudgeon, whose surly nature is often confused with the skeptic's jaundiced outlook.
| Would you, my friend, a finished sceptic make, To form his nature these materials take: A little learning; twenty grains of sense Joined with a double share of ignorance; Infuse a little wit into the skull, Which never fails to make a mighty fool; Two drams of faith; a tun of doubting next; Let all be with the dregs of reason mixt; When in his mind these jarring seeds are sown, He'll censure all things but approve of none. |
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| --Stephen Duck, "Proper ingredients to Make a Sceptic" | |
smoking n. A noxious habit, taken up by a child in the belief that it makes him look grown-up, and discarded by a grown-up after his surgeon threatens to remove the other lung.
| Voice-over for scene of a man lighting a cigarette: "And now for something completely different--a man putting burning leaves in his mouth." | |
| --Monty Python's Flying Circus (TV show) | |
socialism n. A form of government whose leaders recognize the impossibility of raising all its people to the same standard of living; it therefore regulates their lives so as to equalize their wealth and thereby reduce them to the same level of poverty and dependency. Possesses the dubious virtue of self perpetuation. See also welfare.
| The more control, the more that requires control. This is the road to chaos. | |
| --Frank Herbert, The Dosadi Experiment | |
socialist n. A species of politician who is content to share everyone's paycheck except his own.
sportsmanship n. The way the game is played: for winners, a conspicuously modest failure to crow over their victories; and for losers, a quiet acceptance of inferiority. The concept of "being a good loser" is promoted by that segment of the population who are the winners.
staple n. A small bent piece of wire, intended to secure together several thicknesses of paper but most commonly found buried in rugs, vacuum cleaner bags, expensive machinery, or fingers.
statesman n. A fondly remembered dead politician.
statistics n. Mathematical figures purporting to describe reality, sufficiently arcane that they can be explained in whatever way makes the prospects most attractive to the customer.
suicide n. An increasingly popular means of dumping one's problems onto one's family and friends, along with the cost of a funeral. Has the disadvantage that with the disappearance of one's problems there comes the disappearance of everything else.