war n. Man's version of Darwin's "survival of the fittest" theory of evolution, in which the cleverest survive by conscripting the fittest to be cannon fodder.
| Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die. And it is youth who must inherit the tribulation, the sorrow, and the triumphs that are the aftermath of war. | |
| --Herbert Clark Hoover, speech, 1944 | |
warranty n. A usually incomprehensible document whose customary import is that the product to which it refers is guaranteed to work until it breaks. Generally printed in minuscule type; hence, never read until too late.
wedding n. A wanton display of prodigality masquerading as a ceremony of public commitment to holy matrimony, arranged by the parents of the bride for the purpose of impressing those who read the Social Register.
welfare n. A system, glorious in principle but ghastly in practice, by which a government taxes its wage-earning populace in order to dole out the money to those unwilling to engage in gainful labor. See also socialism.
| Continued dependence upon relief induces a spiritual and moral disintegration fundamentally destructive to the national fibre. To dole out relief in this way is to administer a narcotic, a subtle destroyer of the human spirit. | |
| --Franklin Delano Roosevelt, message to the U. S. Congress, 1935 | |
wine n. A beverage made from the fermented juice of (usually) grapes, whose alcohol content ensures that the average bibber will find his second glass to be of far better vintage than the first.
wok n. A broad, shallow bowl-shaped pot used in Chinese cooking. A virtually identical pot is used in Indian cooking; the only difference appears to be that the latter bears an obscure name and costs three times as much.
work n. Formerly, an honorable exchange of services for products, money, or other services. Presently, the unfortunate fate of anyone not sufficiently imaginative to bilk the government out of welfare payments.
writing n. The setting down of language symbols in meaningful sequences, now a lost art.